Apples and Porsches

As many of you may have noticed over the last couple of weeks (months?), I’ve been angsty about deciding to do something and have been a bit vague about it.  It’s gotten less and less vague lately (see last post), and it’s all finally come to a head.  I made the Big Decision, have talked to some people, and have made my final plans.

I was going to write a well-thought-out post, but I wound up making a video instead.  It seemed easier to talk it out than to agonize over the wording.  So here goes:

Hey guys – Ellie Di. I’m making my first video to tell you that I won’t be making any more videos. I have decided to stop running The Wholestyle Network. I have found it to be an energy/time sink that really isn’t bringing me much joy anymore. I’ve been running it single-handedly since the first of May, I have over 500 posts, I’m scheduled up to the end of September already, and it just doesn’t stop.

I really believe in this idea. It’s just painful for me to have to let it go – I have horrible fears about disappointing everyone and terrible amounts of guilt. But, I’m just…I’m drained. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

SO… my plan is that I’m going to schedule up til the end of September, and you can enjoy Wholestyle Network good deliciousness until then. However, I will not be posting after the first of October. I’m gonna let it go dormant, I’m gonna leave the domain up (even though I thought about just cancelling the domain name) so that you can enjoy the history there. And maybe someday I’ll come back to it. Maybe someday I’ll have more time and more love for it. Maybe I’ll think of something better to do with it, some different kind of content. But until then, Wholestyle Network will be wrapping up. I’ll still be blogging at Apples and Porsches. I don’t know what I’m gonna do there, but it’s gonna be more of a “leading by example” kind of thing.

I really feel like The Wholestyle Network, as a resource, is kind of barking in the dark. I’m only getting to the people who already understand, I’m not really changing any minds, don’t seem to be having the impact I wanted to have. Yes, I realize it’s only been 3-4 months and I shouldn’t get all freaked out about it, but I am – so there.

I feel like this time and energy could be better used to be small; I really am believing in being small now. The internet encourages us so much to be big and that we all have to do everything all at once and be all things to all people, and it just doesn’t work that way. I could be influencing my people in my close circles and really improving the quality of my life. My real life! Which is much more important than my internet life and much more important to me than a website. I can live the ideal, but I can’t make you live the ideal – you know what I mean?

So there’s that.

Yes, like I said, first video is going to be to say there’s going to be no more videos. Maybe. I don’t know. We’ll see. Maybe at Apples and Porsches. But definitely not at Wholestyle Network! Sorry, guys.

If you have any questions or comments about what’s going on, I would love to hear them; please leave me a comment. I do read them, promise. And if you have anything that you would like to do or see if and when The Wholestyle Network comes back online (maybe sometime next summer) I’d love to hear that, too.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who’s been so supportive of this idea and all of you out there with the “wholestyle approved” stickers on your blog. That makes me SO HAPPY! But… And you, you are the ones I’m afraid the most of disappointing because you’ve been so supportive.

This video is rambling on. I will be more than happy to take emails, questions, comments, concerns, funny stories, anything you’d like to throw at me. Hate mail is not appreciated but understood.

Thank you again so much. It’s been an amazing run (a very short 3-4 months), and I hope to see you on Twitter @Ellie_Di, and I hope to see you at Apples and Porsches, and I will see you round the web. Promise.

Thanks guys. Bye.

I’ve been putting off writing here because I don’t know what to write. I’ve got lots to say, but I find that I’m most motivated to write when I’m feeling something negative. That may be a writer’s conundrum – write when you’re upset, live when you’re happy. I don’t want to make this an angst-space, though. What to do…

That said.

I’m nearing a breaking point with feelings of being overwhelmed by the crush of negativity in the spheres I’m in. Maybe negativity is the wrong word. I’m exhausted from reading and hearing about how everyone is oppressing everyone else, how intolerance is propagating itself all over. People stand up in the name of their own struggle (or the struggle of others) and shout down everyone who disagrees or asks questions, however genuine they may be, because they’re used to being attacked. The attacked become the attackers, perpetuating a hateful and sad cycle in the discussion of important ideas in the health of our world. Those new to the conversation or those who want to learn more get lumped in with the trolls, ending their interest in and ability to help.

I’m not a hippy-dippy love child. At least, that’s not how I see myself, although I’d wager there are people who do. I’m a person that believes we’re all truly equal in body, in mind, in spirit. Yes, really. I wish for peace abroad and in my own neighbourhood. I wish for people to feel safe and to have freedom to say what they want without fear of violent reproach. I desperately want for us to drop the pretence and the fear and the other-blaming and the over-sensitivity that keeps us from reaching the goals we say we all aspire to.

And yet I believe that there are realistic things blocking these issues and realistic things we can do about it. I’m not sure how to enumerate these here. I’ve been told that I’m a surprisingly balanced mix of ideas by people who are extreme in their own ideas, though. That’ll have to do for now.

Feminism, racism, genderism, sexism, ableism, classism, religiosity. These are all issues I feel strongly about, but I find the discussions are so full of anger and it keeps me away. Participants, activists, advocates all seem to fall into a pattern of “fuck you motherfucker” and “look what this person did/said! they’re evil!”. It keeps me small and afraid and silent. Who wants to speak up when you know that an actual, factual, true centrist person will be trampled and labelled as ignorant?

This isn’t to say there aren’t tricky and still-bloody spots – I don’t have an answer for everything and won’t pretend that I do. But rage and stomping on the freedoms of others is not one of them. Are there willfully ignorant people and hateful people and evil people in the world that are truly wanting to hurt people? Yes. Are there those who are only interested in what benefits them and those who take up the causes of others because they feel guilty? Yes. But there are also people out there who genuinely and honestly believe that things can be different.

But not through accusations, blame, railroading, and seeing everything as a slight. We’re sacrificing our freedom and the freedom of others, giving up part of our selves to the monster by focusing on the narrow and wasting the chance to see the vista. That, more than anything else, is the biggest shame of all.

And I’m tired of it.

The battle in my insides between the BIGBIGBIG, CHANGETHEWORLD messages and what I’ve come to see as my base state is getting to be a bit much. I hesitate to write about the struggle because I’ve a) bored the shit out of a number of people talking this around in circles and b) been essentially told I’m a whiner and a quitter. But it weighs on my mind daily, and some things just need to be repeated to see the way clear.

I’m a person who tries on new projects and new ideas throughout my life to see what fits me. What I keep and what I throw away takes consideration, experience, and time to determine. But I have a stigma in my head against disappointing others and being seen as “bad” that has gotten stronger as I’ve grown older, so giving up the things that I feel no longer suit my life and its direction has gotten harder. I can’t just set aside the project or release the idea without a pressure in my heart that feels I’m letting people down, regardless of whether someone’s said they’d be or not. And yet, I know there’s something to “live for yourself and fuck what other people think”. I’ve grown more into this idea over the last handful of years, but I still struggle with living it out when it comes to things that I’m invested in. Easy to say, hard to do.

Ambition is not something I count in my personality qualities. I don’t yearn for the spotlight, come out as a leader, or feel like I have to make a splash to leave my mark on the world. Being “the best” is on a small scale for me, and the idea of being the President or the next Oprah makes me slightly queasy when I actually think about what it entails. It isn’t to say that I shy away from challenges – I like to pit myself against obstacles to see how I handle them and what I learn. But it’s different than ambition, which I see as a driving need to go out into the world and “do it big”, or something to that effect. I’m not the kind of person who wants to be up on the podium; I want to be down on the ground. Not many people understand this.

I meant what I wrote when I cried out against the world’s pressures to constantly push beyond our means. (This is not the same as growing as people). I feel the call to be small again. I made my foray into the big world of blogging and big ideas that you shout from rooftops hoping someone hears and joins you. And I found a huge part of that world to be not only counter to my nature but painful down to my core. The role I found myself in chafed from the beginning, but I’ve stuck it out because of negative motivations (both internal and external). I want to get out from under that, out from under bigbigbig, out from under the energy sink.  I want to simplify and focus my energy on increasing the quality of my individual life and the life of my friends and family.

I ran my solution by a trusted friend this afternoon, and I’m still not sure what to make of their response. I had pretty much made up my mind yesterday while on the plane, but now I’m wavering again. Fear of disappointing others is a subtle and slimy thing. There’s also the fear of what could have been and the fear of killing something good because I’m exhausted.

All of this flashes through my mind in seconds.  There are dozens of layers, millions of thoughts.  But this is part of it.  If you’ve got thoughts to add, I’d love to hear them.

I realize I missed a month, but it’s been both boring and tumultuous here. I’ll spare you the details (even though that’s assumedly what you came here for).  On to the update, a bit disjointed.

Gonzo-kitty sez, "Dis is MAH couch."

The Physical: I’ve indefinitely fallen off the bandwagon for my food goals that I made a while back.  The only one I’ve been able to stick to consistently is no caffeine, which is helping a ton.  I’m still drinking soda, and, although I’ve cut waaaay back on sugary stuff, I still indulge in sweets now and then.  Maybe I’ll be strong enough to quit it all one day – apparently that’s not right now.  However, since moving to Hamilton, I’ve apparently lost 7lbs.  We haven’t changed our diet and we stopped going to the gym, so I’m guessing it’s simply from being happier here.  I’m stressed, but at least I’m around my friends, yanno?  While I’m feeling more energetic (most days), I’ve somehow developed some severe allergies, mostly when I wake up, complete with runny nose, sneezing, itchy eyes, and face-pressure.  Drugs don’t help.  It’s either the black mold in the bathroom (where nothing dries out) (see below) or I’ve developed a remarkably fast-onset allergy to my cats.  Not sure what that’s about.

The Apartment: We’ve moved into a one-bedroom in the Corktown area of Hamilton.  The neighborhood isn’t bad, but the apartment itself is declining in our esteem by the day.  Problems include but aren’t limited to: a leaking (now replaced) toilet, possible black mold in the bathroom, drug dealers on our floor, $3.50 for a complete load of laundry, unclean/unsanitary halls and stairs, hearing everything anyone’s doing in their apartment, and to cap it off, someone tried to steal my car last night from the underground parking we pay extra for.  On the other hand, the rent is cheap and we’re back in the town we love.  I’m trying to stay positive about it; it’s just proving more difficult as weeks go by.

The Money: Things are tight around here due to low summer hours for me.  Lino did get a stopgap job at a call centre, though, so that’s doing us pretty good.  We had to dip really heavily into our savings to make all the ends meet over July, however.  Neither of us are happy about this. Come September we should be in better shape with monthly income.  I also had to change my car insurance over – they wanted me to pay $320/month for liability-only when we moved to Hamilton.  The new one is $240/month (what I was paying for), but it took a LOT of paper shuffling and the down payment sucked.  Ah, well – it’s better in the long run.  And I apparently ran a red light on July 3rd, which is going to cost $325 unless the mediation at the courthouse goes well.  We simply can’t pay it.  All the money we make is gone before we get it, yanno?  This is my single source of stress right now.  I’m terrified and guilty all the time because we can’t go places, buy better things, make any investments in the future (like buying a 17lb bag of cat food for $73 instead of an 8lb bag for $35), or even pay all the bills without dipping into the dwindling savings.  Scared, scared, scared.  And Lino is still talking about possibly moving before the end of the year for a game design job, if he can find one, and that’s keeping everything up in the air…

The Immigration: I finally finished my permanent resident application and mailed it off on July 23rd.  It weighed 2.5lbs!  It’s a huge weight off my mind, but now I’m going to be waiting for a minimum of 8 months before I hear about it.  I’ve been told that no one is rejected on the basis of income and that everything should be fine.  I’ll be tracking it online, for sure.  Cross your fingers for me!

The Internet: I’m starting to think that blogging is always going to be a conflict for me, both in my head and in my life.  I constantly wrestle with myself about the demands on my time, even if I want to write, and the nature of the things I’m reading to support WSN.  I’m not really ready to talk about the frustrations of the latter in a public forum yet, but maybe someday.  Suffice to say that it hurts me to read a lot of it.  For the former, I’m resisting the urge to fold it up for two reasons: 1) I feel the wholestyle thing is an important idea, and 2) I’m afraid people will be disappointed in me (including myself).  There’s a lot I could say about this, too, but it’s hard for me to write about.  It’s really a face-to-face conversation thing, I think.  Some ideas are too big or too hard to pass through the mesh that divides my heart/soul from my brain.  I’m not quitting anything – I just think about it a lot in the name of simplicity.

The Hair: And finally, my hair is nearly chin-length.  I got a trim in early June to get the dead stuff out, which went against my overall plan, but I resisted the urge to whack it all off, so I count it as a victory.  I can’t wait til it’s long enough to pull back in a proper ponytail, though.  I’ve figured out a few ways I can wear it so it doesn’t drive me nuts, but it’s not quite the same.

And so to you, possums. How has your last month been? What’s shakin’ in your world?

I don’t remember how I came across this, but the story made me cry – with both happiness and sadness.  It’s funny that I added it into a blank draft a few days ago and that I need it today.  I share it with you in the hopes that maybe it’ll help you find some peace.  I’m trying to let it guide me there, too.

The Egg, by Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.